xmastrip2007 137

Siap untuk serang!

Almost like clockwork. It is January. It is time.

I used to tell her this everyday… it’s okay. It’s okay.
Why is it that when it comes to me, nothing sticks?
Maybe I have been blase in appreciating her struggles. So here it comes. This is the call.
I have never felt any and all delusions of grandeur come crashing down at a faster rate than this.
It is so much easier to talk about when some of the cloud has lifted. Oh, but to get there. Or here. Right now. Murder would be easier. I am tempted to say that death would be sweeter but death is my bogeyman. There, even writing that has me in cold sweat.

The key is to ride it. Ride the waves. They pass. To remember that, and to take the ride? Almost impossible. But impossible is nothing, no?

The key is to compartmentalise. 5 weeks of this. 5 weeks of that. If things get bleak, there are 4 weeks after that, just there. I will live. I’ve gotta live, there is nothing other than this. This can’t be it. I won’t have my wings clipped by malfunctioning neurons. I am going to be okay, right? I am going to be okay. My choice is no choice. I have to be okay.

I now understand what desperation is. What ‘whatever works’ means. Why you end up doing things you hate yourself for, just to get there.

I wonder how she copes, these days. I know they do not ever go away. I am just hoping there is someone else picking up where I left off. And I think in her heart of hearts she knows, if she turns around I am still there in the shadows, somewhere.

*****

M sent me a rock kapak song today. No, not you. The other M. She got the song from her man of the moment. When you start the day on a rock kapak song, the rest of the day is filled with rock kapak songs. I walked to the bus stop with Amy serenading me, telling me akulah gadisnya, selama-lamanya. Ah, Amy. Lagu kau, seperti lagu rock kapak yang lain, penuh dengan janji palsu.

I asked D once, why there exists an obsession in Malay lyrics to use the word ‘sayang’. D replied, “Ah Idlan.. kau belum tahu nikmatnya orang panggil kau sayang.” Aku tersenyum sendiri sahaja. Siapa kata aku tak tahu. Ah, dosa lampau, dosa lampau. Lupakan. Tapi aku cuma manusia. Aku bertaubat dalam usaha menghapuskan dosa.. tetapi taubat itu tidak mampu menghapuskan memori berkaitan dosa itu. Apakah itu tandanya, taubat aku tiada makna? Ah! Ya Allah Tuhanku, aku tidak layak masuk syurgaMu tetapi aku tidak pula sanggup menanggung seksa nerakaMu!