Archive for

May, 2009

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Retrospect

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I saw Messi jump up in the air and headed his goal into the back of the United net, and I thought, “All the Barcas and the Liverpools and the Chelseas and the Arsenals of the world can win every effin’ game if it means I can get my uncle back.” Of course, I don’t know how other United fans would take to that, but death adds perspective to a lot of things, doesn’t it?

I call home every day, I ask for updates and I speak to my aunt; from the strength that I hear through her tear-stained voice I gather strength of my own. It is her I hurt for now, I think; and there is a desperate desire to fix things. This will wane, I know. Life will go on. It always does.

For now, a new horizon, with new challenges, and renewed perspectives. Come August 2009, Burnley are a Premiership team and Newcastle, not! In the meantime, what do I do over summer?!

The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page

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Despite having a personal blog, I have tried to keep matters close to me separate from the blogosphere. Which is why I rarely – if ever – jot down the events that mean most to me for the whole world to see; although I tend to text or email close friends and comrades to keep them in the general loop.

But I am struggling this weekend, and I’ve been told that grief is best handled collectively, rather than alone. And that sometimes writing about grief also helps in externalising it, and hopefully, from there, it helps healing. So I guess I’m sharing, in the hope that maybe some of the sadness will gradually leave.

I lost my uncle on Saturday morning. Nothing remarkable, of course, because I know people have lost more. But even more than 24 hours since I received that phone call, I am still shaking and tears can still flow at the weirdest of moments. My uncle is not related to me by blood, but he is the husband of my aunt who I am extremely close to. I am in fact very close to all my aunts because they lived with us when I was growing up; and this particular aunt even stayed with us in the UK while we were there. They were married in 1988, and it is one of the weddings I remember vividly. They lived in Glasgow for four years while my aunt was doing her PhD, and during those years I would get aerograms from her telling me about the useless Scottish weather, how young Amir was growing up and how Ayah Li was picking up golf. My uncle was always good with kids – which is why to this day I remember his birthday among other things : because I interrogated him when he first married my aunt, and he relented.

I could go on listing his virtues and my memories of him, but this is not an obituary or a tribute. I am selfish – this post is me grieving. I want to be home, I want to be with my aunt who, not two months ago, lost her mother (my grandmother) who passed away after illness. I want to hug my cousins (okay maybe not the first two because they’re tall strapping lads now) and I want to be there with them to share the sadness because it is so, so hard to be doing that alone, here.

It has been more than 24 hours and I am still crying, even unprompted. If you know me at all, you know how rare that is. I am grieving. But I know things will get better. Even if they will never be really okay.

Oink Achoo?

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Students come home from abroad often armed with a degree, but sometimes other things come home with you. A wider worldview, a renewed appreciation for home-cooked food, a funny accent which you hope you’d lose. But two students who returned from the US last week unsuspectingly brought home an unwelcome visitor: the H1N1 virus. Like how the virus arrived on British soil, that was how the virus reached Malaysia: through metal boxes flying in the sky. Air travel, for all its convenience, it seems also expediates the journey of the most unsavoury of visitors.

Having been down with a cold for the most of last week, my own personal ‘underlying condition’ had me trawling the web trying to suss out the similarities and differences of the common cold symptoms vs. that of the flu, and inherent within that, swine flu. (I recommend this table here from WebMD, if you’re curious but always consult a qualified doctor if you’re worried). I finally did call the NHS Direct on day 2 of said cold, not because I was worried about swine flu but because I was worried that my non-stop coughing may develop into bronchitis or some other chest infection, of which I am susceptible to.

I suppose the most important thing to maintain throughout all this is perspective. When the WHO announced that the swine flu situation is moving towards a pandemic, this is less of a description of the fatality levels as a result of the H1N1, and more of the way the virus is being spread. The NHS has advised that the best way to stop the virus spreading is to maintain high levels of hygiene. Should you sneeze or cough, do so in a tissue, bin it after one use and sanitize your hands immediately. Obviously we should all be doing this all the time anyway, but in times of good health we do sometimes become complacent.

The word on face masks – the epitome of public fear when it comes to germs and the poster-boy of the SARS epidemic in 2003 – seems mixed. I was in London in the days following announcements that cases of swine flu were confirmed in the capital, and for the most part the only masks I saw were being worn by tourists, not locals. One could say that Londoners tend to be resilient in times of crisis and often carry on their daily lives seemingly unaffected; but having had a case of the swines in Colchester confirmed last week, I still have yet to see face masks abound. (This here is an announcement in our local paper re: swine flu; check out the comedy value of the panicky bus driver in the comments section). For the most part I have been told that face masks are useless in protecting us from contracting the virus; although if you have the virus, it will help you from spreading it to others. I can’t vouch for the validity of that statement though – perhaps the medics amongst us could help?

Recent fatalities and high recovery rate of those afflicted with swine flu have suggested that this may be a mild strain; in fact, the normal flu that hits us in the colder months of the year can be equally, if not more, lethal. Deaths so far have been in people with underlying conditions that impair their immune system. But, as the NHS Direct nurse informed me, there are no certainties when it comes to a virus that has only recently come in from the wild. While it seems as if governmental efforts to stem the problem by focusing on those who have travelled to affected areas have worked, the lack of a vaccine as of now means treatment is by antivirals and quarantine. I like that nurse, she spoke to me like I was an adult.

But ‘not panicking’ does not translate into ‘not caring’. There is a lot to be said for applying common sense, keeping things in perspective and continue to allow yourself to be properly informed. And if you or someone close to you contracts a sudden high fever – maybe a house call rather than a visit to the emergency room or clinic would be better. (Yes, that goes to you, random dude who sneezed in my face at the local NHS center where I was getting my knee checked out the other day!)