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December, 2008

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I find myself looking for the exit sign

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Amiklah bunga ni, pakwe saya tak mau“>


Amiklah bunga ni, pakwe saya tak mau

Firefox’s Weather Bug tells me it’s -4.8 degrees out there, and I am warmly ensconced inside, in a kain batik my mom left behind, in solidarity with Rozie Rashid and her divas. I am grateful that I have moved over the summer, because had I still been at Oxford Court, even with all the heating on I would struggle to sit in anything less than three layers thick. Praise be to efficient heating and double-glazed windows.

The kain batik is one of many things left behind by my family’s fortnight visit in the middle of last December. Another is the return of the sense of responsibility I have conveniently shelved since I moved abroad almost a decade ago. I have gotten used to fending for myself. Making sure eight others are fed, warm and hydrated, not to mention suitably occupied so as not to cause mass destruction is no mean feat, and not cheap, either. Why others in the party well-conversant in English suddenly lose the ability to speak the language continues to baffle me, but that’s perhaps for me to never know or ever find out.

Today is the first day I am back at my digs alone. After the sibs (sans Nadia) left for Malaysia on Saturday the Thirteenth, my parents (plus Nadia) stayed on for a few more days, before we then went to Paris and they subsequently left for Malaysia ex-Charles de Gaulle. My return to Britain was met by D & S, who accompanied me to Colchester and we were subsequently joined by I the next day (or technically, the day after). D & S left for London and Exeter last Saturday, which was the same day NXEA decided it would be fun to make people wait in subzero temperatures outside Chelmsford station for buses to Witham station. Of course, I had to join said party. The last of the crew left for home today, and now it is me, my mess, a pile of welcome reading and dirty laundry, before a short sojourn a week tommorow. CSI makes good Tuesday night company.

While spending time in Paris with one’s loved ones is advocated, loved ones in this context rarely refers to the parental units. But my parents were cool in that once I’d spoken enough French to order a pizza and two kebabs for their dinner, I was free to roam the capital of France after dark. Which was when this set was taken. Although it was a double-bill, really: I needed to ‘recce’ the route to the Eiffel so that I could take them the next day. This proved useful – my failure to suss out where the Mosque de Paris was meant a (nice!) walk through the Latin Quarter past the Sorbonne where the mosque was: interestingly enough my parents loved the stroll; it was Nadia who complained about all the walking!

No, this is not the ‘official’ account of the trip, Dr. Roger. That may be quite a while away yet. But consider this the teaser to the filler to the account. The filler should come by pretty soon. For one thing, I want to get accounts of this trip out of the way before I start the next!

Between an overload of information

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The pictures don’t move, but then sometimes they don’t need to.

*****

Sabar ye Dr Roger. I’ll get there yet.

It’s easy to forget that I’m lost

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Farringdon, 27 Dec and very cold!

It was Day 5 of the Lockdown Xtravaganza and we were watching ‘Closer’ because it was that time of year when all is jolly and what’s not to like about Natalie Portman as a stripper and reminding ourselves how screwed up most things are.. you know, just as a study aid to remind us all good things must come to an end. As Plain Jane Jones told Dan how there was always that moment when you made the choice, and the Sultan of Twat thanked Anna for her honesty before asking her to eff off and die, I am reminded of the frailty of the human heart when it comes to matters love.

I remember the chase, and how that is always more exciting than the catch, and how human is the person that opts to say ‘I Love You’ while in the same breath chases after another skirt, not because there is no love with the first, but the possibility of not ever having is much more of a turn on. I remember my conversation with F, who, in the best of instances is a paragon of nobility but never fails to see any recently-attached friend elevate herself as no longer a mere friend but a potential conquest. I remember telling myself that this stems not of overconfidence but underconfidence, as the want for validation rings needier when one’s status in the eye of another is threatened by the presence of another.

I love it that the world is not coloured in black and white but in multiples shades of gray, because in those shades is where life is being lived and the struggle is being fought. I love seeing earnestness in the eyes of those who try but fail countless times, because they make it okay that I fall and stumble, even though I know each fall and each stumble negates the power of the excuses I give myself. I love it that there is taubat and forgiveness, although the hardest person to forgive is often oneself.

Most of all I love sunny Sunday mornings sitting quietly with a computer across my lap while others are still in deep slumber, especially sunny Sunday mornings where it is the dawn of yet another new year. I greet 1430H with gusto. I want to leave you behind. For real, for good, but not forever.