June, 2008

I write notes like this inside my head. Not in a constant, always thinking of the next piece way; but when I lie down on this sorry excuse of a couch and stare at the pseudo patterns on my living room wall. Minutes before I grab my laptop and tap the letters out, the words formulate inside my head first. Like mini stories. I once had the notion to write these thoughts down as they appeared, because I had a hunch that one day, these monologues or sequence of seemingly random events that dance about jumping from neuron to neuron may actually generate a pattern, enough to conjure a coherent story or a work of semi-fiction. I abandoned that idea because I lack the organisation skills to formulate any form of structure.

I am at the moment contemplating whether to go to S’s for the game tonight, or not. I will probably end up going. Sunday nights are not best spent alone. Even if you have 22 men in shorts to entertain you. (Well okay, 11 men to entertain. The other 11 are just Germans). I use my sociableness to measure how well I am doing, in the bigger picture. If I seem somewhat eager to see others or interact, I know an episode is coming. If I would rather just sit back and stare at walls alone, all by myself – that means things are good. Perverse, you might say. As are most things about me, I reply.

Over the past few days I have refrained from turning on the television, instead allowing my thoughts to enjoy the company of my ShootMe playlist. On the back of about four days driving around last week, I have learnt that it is not just one’s books that tells a story. An iPod playlist gives as much away as it keeps secret. And I have learnt that I am more comfortable driving with people who listen to slit-wrist songs with a secret stash of NKOTB, Take That, Boyzone, Backstreet Boys or – dare I say it – Air Supply somewhere in their playlists. You can’t sing along to Damien Rice’s 9 Crimes with as much fun and vigour as you can to Making Love Out of Nothing At All. Heck, even Brad Pitt does it (in Mr & Mrs Smith, at least). It just like listening to my opera-going colleague admit his undying love of the Ramones over dinner. Perspective. Human. Real.

My living room is a mess, after the V5C debacle yesterday, plus me pretending to pack some of my stuff into boxes, ready for the next shift. But if I lie on this crappy couch, stare at the wall, listen to Anna Nalick telling me life is an hourglass glued to the table.. I can block out the mess around me and feel quite happy. And in that happiness, I can come to terms with the fact that I miss you. No, not the one I am expected to miss. The one I am not supposed to.

Baru sahaja aku selesai membawa setimbun buku ke perpustakaan untuk diperbaharui, emel kacau menerjah kotak masuk. Ah, aku sangkakan sudah selesai semua ini. Aku kira, dengan membawa buku-buku itu ke perpustakaan pada hari terakhir penggal, secara simboliknya aku memangkah tanda penamat sesi 2007/2008. Bukan aku pulangkan pun buku-buku itu, aku perbaharui sahaja. Segak bergaya buku itu berdiri di rak buku – sudah pasti tidak lagi akan dibuka sehingga tiba masanya untuk aku memperbaharui tempoh pinjaman buat kesekian kalinya. “Kali ini aku akan baca,” getus hati kecil. “Nekad yang tiada makna,” sapa suara realist di minda.

Emel memaklumkan bahawa aku perlu menyiapkan satu tugasan untuk pelajar yang gagal teruk pada peperiksaan lepas. Bukan sahaja mereka perlu menduduki semual peperiksaan, tapi juga perlu menyediakan tugasan tambahan. Seminggu tempoh masa diberikan, untuk memusnahkan cuti musim panas segelintir kecil pelajar yang aku tidak tahu pun nama mereka. Kalau aku ingin bikin senang, pasti aku tanda sahaja dengan markah tinggi semuanya dahulu. Tapi itu bukan tugas aku. Tugas aku sekadar menyampaikan ilmu dengan kekangan silibus. Apa yang mereka ingin buat dengan ilmu itu, terpulanglah. Tapi kalau mahu terus mara ke tahun ketiga, mungkin elok juga diserap dan dibaca ilmu itu. Aku rasalah.

Ah, bikin kacau sungguh. Aku sudah kemas melakar pelan hari ini, hari terakhir penggal 2007/08. Walaupun sebenarnya aku tidak berapa sedar ini adalah hari terakhir. Sudah tidak lagi berkereta, jadi manfaat parkir percuma diluar waktu penggal sudah tidak dapat dinikmati. Tapi pagi tadi aku telah menyelesaikan karya agung aku. Aku titikkan setiap huruf i, aku pangkahkan setiap huruf t. Dengan cermat aku memeriksa. Sedikit terlambat tadi, maka tidak dapat aku berlari untuk turut serta menunaikan solat Jumaat berjemaah. Mungkin minggu depan. (Tiap-tiap minggu, minggu depan. Sebab itu hidup aku tiada pengisian).

Lantaklah. Aku ingin bersama dua orang gadis (atau mungkin bukan lagi gadis) yang aku telah tetapkan temujanji terlebih dahulu pagi tadi. Seorang jam 1445, lagi seorang 1745. Sudah kacak bergaya aku hari ini, berkasut ‘harimau’ baru, putih berkilau. Nantilah. Aku bereskan soalan tugasan Isnin ini. Aku mahu berdating, kemudian pulang mengadap komputer yang, pada skrin permulaannya, bertanya aku: “You buntu?” Ya, I memang buntu, sayang.

*****
Sepulangnya dari temujanji, ada emel baru dalam kotak masuk. Sambungan dari emel tadi, kali ini disebut nama mereka yang bertanggungjawab. Ah! Tiada peluang untuk menyalurkan tugasan ini kepada orang lain. Aku perlu belajar untuk tidak membuka emel pada waktu luar pejabat. Bikin kacau saja.

Ah tidak mengapa. Aku okay dengan ini semua. Inilah dia, hidup yang dicipta semula. Re-invention. Aku pelik. Ada perubahan besar dalam hidup, tetapi aku rasa setiap nafas yang aku tarik sama sahaja dengan nafas-nafas yang ditarik pada hari-hari yang lalu. Tiada terserap aroma keinsafan, kelegaan, kesyukuran atau kekesalan. Otak mahu rasa itu semua, tapi hati belum capai. Tidak mengapa. Aku akan terus mencari. Kehitaman akan dikikis. Aku tidak mahu terus begini. Pastinya, untuk tahu sama ada kekuatan sudah terbina perlu ada ujian. Tapi aku sering gagal ujian. Apakah patut aku terus menguji diri, atau lari darinya agar tidak lagi gagal? Soal Mooke suatu masa dahulu, are we good because we are good, or are we good because we have not been tested?

I have no idea. But I no longer want to lose control. I am taking charge of my life. What have you done with yours, lately?

I think the Big T is going sailing today. And while waiting for the Big V I will need to keep myself well occupied in order to minimise all possible stress points. July should be a good month. Jack Johnson, Counting Crows, Death Cab for Cutie. The Race For Life Run. Colchester-Harwich bike ride, if I have the guts. Distractions aplenty.

I’ve also managed to conjure up one more, in the form of a desktop PC to toy with. It’s a Pentium 1.4, which came with 13GB HDD and 256MB RAM. The HDD is not a problem – I have more than enough external HDD capacity to hook it up to; the RAM needs expanding but it can go up to 2GB. Bought the whole thing for £40, but the clincher is that it runs Ubuntu. Which opens a whole new world of possibilities for me to play with.

Also I now have Lego to play with.

And a Murakami documentary to watch. It was on BBC1 a few nights ago – did you catch it? I was in bed by then, but it’s still available on iPlayer for the next few days. Aptly titled… A Wild Sheep Chase.

So yeah. Distractions. I think I’ll need them.