May, 2008

*****

I have decided that I never want to be in a position where people will smile and laugh politely at the jokes that I will make. I would like them to laugh wholeheartedly, turn up their faces in disgust (my jokes can be rather crass) or stare blankly at me. But they will not laugh because they feel that if they don’t, their jobs, careers, grades, loan applications or necks are in jeopardy. So that is my new mission in life. To never attain such a status that will result in others being intimidated of me or feel as if they need to please me. You could say that as a lecturer I am already there, but trust me when I say students are discerning when it comes to laughing at lame lecturer jokes, or not laughing as the case may often be. The next time someone asks me why I am not a politician, or why is it that I am not interested in running for a seat, my answer is that I want to succeed as a comedian.

*****
I rang home today to speak to my folks, because I will be away this weekend and on Sunday they will be going back to Kelantan for a few days. Funny how when we visit Kelantan these days, we end up holing in a hotel somewhere, because my paternal grandparents now live in Bangi 11 months out of 12 at the very least, and my maternal grandparents are in an altogether better place. Of course I use the term ‘we’ loosely because the only time I have been back in Kelantan since I came to study (and then subsequently live) in Britain in 2000 was last year en-route to Perhentian.

Anyway having rang home my mom told me of a short conversation between her and a friend of Nadia’s who approached her when Nadia was sitting with Farah a short distance away. “Kakak Nadia tu peluk dia ke?” the little girl asked my mom. “Ha ah,” my mom replied quietly. “Tu kakak Nadia.” The girl smiled and looked away into the distance. I wonder what thoughts crossed her 7-year old mind.

*****

Kawan-kawan. Aku dah tengok cerita Life tu. I still don’t see what it is about Charlie Crews that reminds him of me, Dy. Unless in later episodes, it transpires that he fancies his partner. His partner his partner his partner!

*****

On another note, I went to get a haircut today. Because it was cheap i.e £15 for a full wash-cut-dry-style, given that it was a student hairdresser cut it. You know the trade-off… give your hair up for experimentation and you get a discount. (Yes, it was a female salon, no there were no mn there, yes it was covered, many thanks for asking). I miss my RM10 haircuts in Bangi, and I really only wanted a simple trim. I ended up looking like a chubbier, stodgier, slightly uglier version of Agyness Deyn. Which is alright by me.

Sudah lama tidak bangun pagi dan kejar bas. Aku rindu kejar bas. Di Lancaster hari-hari aku kejar bas. Pernah sekali bas kejar aku. Sebab aku berada di bawah bukit menuju ke hentian bas, dan dia masih lagi di atas bukit. Aku lari laju-laju. Akhirnya aku berjaya kalahkan bas tu sampai ke hentian. Tu pun sebab aku bagi chance kat bas tu. Aku stop bila sampai kat hentian, sebab aku nak tunggu dia. Yalah, kalau aku tak tunggu dia sampai macam mana aku nak naik bas?

Yes, I have taken the plunge. I am in the process of selling off my car, as my insurance company confirmed over the weekend that the invalidity of my Malaysian license would effectively invalidate my insurance cover. I have no desire to spend copious amounts of money on paying for vehicle repairs, and I have no time at the moment to go through the intricacies of taking driving lessons and finish off the practical driving test. Life wants to be lived, so I am now two-wheeling it. Except on days when I expect to be back late.

Macam semalam. Ada temuduga untuk staf baru, jadi sebahagian daripada proses ialah pembentangan pendek kepada bakal rakan sejawat. Kami digalakkan bertanya soalan kepada staf baru, tapi aku rasa sedikit pelik untuk membuat interogasi teori dan penyelidikan kepada staf yang memohon jawatan yang jauh lebih senior dari jawatan aku sekarang. Tapi kata bos, ini adalah kelaziman. Tiada konsep ‘unwritten seniority’ yang perlu dituruti. Kalau ingin bertanya, bertanyalah. Di belakang tabir, seorang rakan sekerja berkata, inilah dia ‘perceived transparency’. Kita dimaklumkan bahawa kita adalah sebahagian dari proses, tapi akhirnya kata putus tetap terletak di tangan VC atau pengurusan yang lebih cost-conscious dan berpegang kepada konsep memaksimakan keuntungan, walaupun sebagai sebuah universiti, keuntungan patut dibelakangkan.

So I got home at a little after 9 last night, because there was a buffet dinner at the Hotel. “Long day?” asked the taxi driver who drove me home. I had to take a taxi because no buses run properly from the campus to the city after 1900. I would rather shell out £4.50 for cab fare than wait with no end in sight for a bus. “Yes,” I replied. “Been here since 8.” “Not long then,” he replied with a cheeky smile. Tired to the bone, but I had to laugh. He was ginger but he was cute.

Aku memang suka naik basikal sebenarnya. Di Lancaster aku ada basikal yang orang bagi free; aku naik pergi ke uni. Tapi tak lama, sebab lagi senang dan cepat naik bas. Di Malaysia aku ada basikal murah aku beli di kedai Cina di Sungai Chua masa aku undergraduate. Aku naik dari Seksyen 4 pergi ke Perpustakaan Tun Sri Lanang di UKM, sebab perpustakaan Uniten tiada koleksi jurnal yang boleh aku guna. Sebelum tu aku ada basikal merah racing aku beli dari senior aku yang tak ada brek. Itu aku buat pergi kelas masa di Uniten. Itu semua basikal racing. Road bike kata orang England. Sebelum tu aku ada basikal biasa yang budak bawak pergi sekolah, ada bakul kat depan dan tempat bonceng kat belakang. Dengan basikal tu lah aku daki bukit kat Jalan 3/4 nak pergi ke SRKBBB. Curam woo bukit tu. Time turun memang best boleh konar lipat.

But I’m still waiting for the Bianchi paperwork to come through. So I got a decent town bike from Re-Cycle. I told him it was temporary, so he said if I went back to them with the bike in decent condition he’ll give me my money back save a tenner. Which I thought is a good deal. So here I am, biking it. And quite liking it. Although of course, that’s because the weather’s favourable. I don’t mind riding in the rain. And when winter comes by I’ll be living only a mile away from work anyway, so that’s a comfortable ride, really.

Dulu zaman aku sekolah, and in fact sampai aku di uni, ada basikal rasa dah cukup baik. Sekarang budak-budak whizzing around in cars galore. Termasuk la adik-adik aku. Tolak dua tahun pertama dia di uni, adik-adik aku dari Angah ke bawah semua menikmati pengalaman berkereta di universiti. Dulu aku bajet, budak undergrad yang bawak kereta pergi uni mesti kaya gila. Sekarang aku tahu mereka bukan semestinya kaya. Cuma perlu kakak atau abang yang ada kereta untuk dilenjan semasa kakak atau abang itu belajar di luar negara. Perspesi. Sentiasa berubah dengan masa. Sentiasa berubah semakin kita dewasa.

And now that I join the ranks of those who cycle to work, I have learnt that I now join yet another minority who for some reason, tend to piss other people off. Today I was told off for pushing my bike on the pavement. Which is allowed, by the way. You can’t ride it on the pavement, but the moment you push it you are a pedestrian. I have the minority card firmly stacked in my favour. Brown-skinned, hijaab wearing, non-British, professional tax-paying non-Polish immigrant.. and now she cycles to work. If I was gay I’d have it all.

Facebook is a blessing as much as it is a bane. For starters you begin to realise how small the world is : people you knew at one point in your life are likely to be connected to others you’ve met at other points. And yet, as Chandler Bing once said, I still have yet to meet Beyonce (or Ryan Giggs, for that matter).

What I also find interesting is the Old Girls connection: seniors who never gave me the time of day, or juniors I barely flicked my fringe towards, now are in within reach.. and I find myself connecting with them. Gone are the awkwardness of teenage angst and seniority structures; a clean slate as if no hierarchy ever existed. I have yet to suss out whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I am bad at keeping up with the girls of my year. But I think this is symptomatic of our batch as a whole. We collectively moved on after high school… going on to greater and grander things, I suppose. Only a small nexus are still in close contact with each other, and this was mainly because they went to university together as well.

Even this seems to be an exception rather than the rule. There are about seven or eight girls from my batch who ended up with me all the way until graduation. We barely speak, not out of animosity or enmity, but because we are so scattered and separated we hardly know where anyone else is anymore. Should there be a reunion of sorts, I know for a fact that we will be able to chat for Malaysia and the former English colonies combined.

At least, that is what I hope would happen. E mused the other day on the girls of our batch, comparing it to some of our seniors who seem to stick with each other through marriage, divorce, boyfriends, girlfriends, heartaches, heartbreaks, births, miscarriages, kids and one day, watch this space, grandkids. “Why are we not like that?” asked E. “We hardly hear anything about our own batch”.

“Maybe because as a batch we are ordinary,” I replied. “None of us have had spectacular heartbreaking divorces or married up the social ladder. Not that it’s necessarily a badthing. Mediocrity is normal, and normal is underrated sometimes. Or maybe we’re not into fake niceties. What is the point of the occasional ‘hi and bye’? There are enough family members around whom we have to pretend to like, no need to add to the pile.”

Or maybe, and this I feel is more plausible.. maybe everyone else is sticking with each other through life’s trials and tribulations. We .. and by that I really mean I, do not hear of it because we are not part of that, too separated: be it by lifestyle, opinion or merely distance.