October, 2002

Was absolutely knackered when I got home last night. I could barely keep my eyes open. Went straight to bed after Maghrib prayers.. woke up at half past five this morning for Isya’ prayers feeling hell of a lot more refreshed. Long day ahead though today – need to get my x-ray done, then bank in some cash and pay for the car.. lunch with Syuk and Nina this midday.. potentially dinner with Fisz and K. Ina tonight. In between that I need to pack and repack, make sure all the documents are in order and all that too. Two more days.. urghhhh!

About a week ago I felt a twinge of sadness for having had to leave a life I had gotten accustomed to for a year.. not so much the life at Muadzam but leaving the students I had become to think of as my little brothers and sisters. But that quickly turned to joy as I realised I would not have to brave the morning dawns to drive to Muadzam any more – well.. for 3 years at least.

Thinking about England got me pretty excited.. ever since being posted to Muadzam I’d been facing some minor health problems.. perhaps due to the way I internalised stress and my workaholic work ethics.. I used to arrive at work before 7am and stayed on until 9pm; basically because there wasn’t much else left to do. Not to mention the added pressure of workplace politics and the management; well, it all came in a nice neat little package that was sure to drive me to an asylum had I not deviced a way to leave.

So England is good. In a way. My ultimate aim is to come back and work in KL or the Klang Valley; while Lancaster is not as near to Bangi as Muadzam Shah is, it is a means of getting there. Ironic, really.. in my quest to leave the place, I sent myself 7,000 miles away. But England has always been a place of solace for me; perhaps this time it could play the role of healer.

Will be presenting the paper today. Am thinking if I should start the presentation with a statement like “Please don’t shoot me” or something like that.. I am admittedly quite nervous!

Went out for dinner last night with Shick, Aca and Fisz.. on the way back I can’t remember what wrong turning I took; but I ended up taking an alternative road to Kajang which bypassed two ‘townships’ where two people that mean something to me live. One, a person whom I want but I know I can never get (unless he decides to ‘change’); and secondly someone who meant a lot to me in the past; and perhaps may still mean something, albeit in a subliminal way.

Right.. off to KL now. Will update later, energy and time willing.

Just finished preparing the slides for my paper presentation on Wednesday. Having bad dreams about what the clever people will try and ask me; and how I will fail to answer most of their questions, and my academic career would then be in tatters due to awful bashing I am about to receive.

I really, honestly do have some more clever things to say and witty things to write – I have yet to blabber on about my great novel that I am about to write this November, for one – but every time I get a go on the computer, either everyone is around me; or by the time everyone’s everywhere else, I am too knackered to stay long here. As is the case at this very moment.

With which I shall withdraw and catch some shut eye.

Many apologies for being a right bore at this moment. The word ‘hectic’ doesn’t even begin to describe my life this week.